So....My Weekend Sucked...

Since I'm not getting anything productive done like homework or applying for interships, I figured I might as well write some.

Now, if you'll recall (or refer to) my last entry, I was set to ask out this cute girl in my English class. Well, I did it Wednesday. The results? Not great.

I went into class with a greater eye on her body language and tried to figure out whether she might be interested in me. In doing so, I realized that she was betraying no signs of interest. She wasn't looking at me a lot or flipping her hair or doing any of those things typically associated with flirty behavior. On the other hand, she certainly wasn't closing herself off and once again things were very friendly between us. We chatted a bit before class and even whispered back and forth a bit during class. Having realized that she probably wasn't actively interested in me, I nonetheless decided to still ask her out. Maybe she hadn't been thinking of it herself but there was still the chance, I thought, that she might be willing to go on a date simply based on our friendship.

After class, walking out of Cobb, I asked her whether or not she might like to grab lunch on Friday or Saturday. At first, she didn't quite understand and explained that she was very busy this weekend but then I asked her again what she thought of the idea itself. "You mean like a date?" she said. I confirmed that's what I meant. She clearly was blind-sided and wasn't feeling it. To her credit, she was very nice about it and handled it remarkably well. First, she hesitatingly said, "I'm not sure if I want to date..." and then when I remarked that it was on the table and that there was no pressure she said "I'll think about it...".

Though the note she left off on gave me a slight amount of hope, I know that in reality there isn't much of a chance of things coming good for me. The tone with which she spoke indicated pretty clearly that she wasn't interested and was trying to make the best of an awkward situation. I never wanted to be the dorky guy who misinterprets girls' friendship and forces them to politely reject him, but it seems that is who I've become. Really, I'm left with no good options. If I try to remain patient and hope that a relationship naturally comes to me, I get disappointed when that fails to happen. If I try to be proactive and aggressive and ask girls I like out, I just get disappointed and depressed when they reject me. I don't know what it is about me, but I donn't seem to attract the interest of girls at all. I know that I'm too shy and that I'm not always personable, but I don't think I'm so overwhelmingly misanthropic that the occasional girl might not take an interest in me. I think the only girl that has ever been remotely interested in me is Laura and given the way I was unceremoniously and unexpectedly dumped by her it's hard to say how much she ever really fancied me.

I get a lot of advice from people who tell me to not worry about it and to enjoy my youth without being proccupied with girls, but honestly I'd like to know what it feels like to be in love and loved in return before I'm too old. Sure, I'm only 21 but most guys have at least had their first kiss by 21. Me? No. Moreover, I've been borderline depressed off-and-on at least since the beginning of college maybe even since the beginning of high school. The time I felt happiest? The three weeks that Laura and I were somewhat of an item. My self-confidence was better, I was happier, and I had a reason to get up in the morning. Now, life seems somewhat meaningless and empty. I don't have many friends in Tufts yet and many days I go all day without talking to anyone. It's a pretty damn lonely way to live.

I'm actually starting to get pretty worried about myself. I think about death far too frequently. I never seriously consider doing anything rash and I've never self-harmed, but I think about it enough to scare myself. What terrifies me is that eventually I'm going to graduate and I'll be even more alone than I am now. I guess I'm just a weak person. I need people around me to support me and prop me up. Now, there are at least still friends on campus and RAs and RHs that are pretty much obligated to talk to me if I need help. But when I'm out on my own it's going to be even lonelier and there will be even less support. There are thousands of smart girls on campus. If I can't strike up a half-decent relationship under these circumstances, what chances am I going to stand in the "real world?"

This is what I spent my Valentine's Day weekend thinking about. I was hoping that this girl would say yes and it might be the best Valentine's Day that I've ever had. Instead, she said no and it was the worst. Just as I know why Laura dumped me, I know why she said no. In fact, I went in fully realizing that there was a large chance she would say no. Still, the rejection brought all the old feelings of inferiority that I had carefully supressed after Laura rushing right back. It hit me harder than I expected it would and than it had any right to. This girl did nothing wrong, of course. If anyone did wrong, it was me in asking her out when she wasn't betraying any signs of interest, but that knowledge hasn't stopped my pride from being gravely wounded. It hasn't stopped me from being useless ever since and in a total emotional funk.

I had that class again today, but she was sick and wasn't there. It appears I'll have to wait until Wednesday or maybe Friday to see her again. I hope by then she'll have thought about it and I can settle this somewhat in my mind. There is a (maybe) 1% chance that she'll have thought about it and deemed it a good idea, but I know that in all probability it will come down with the 99% and she'll confirm that it's not going to happen. I just hope that things aren't awkward and it won't ruin whatever small friendship we had cultivated prior to me asking her out. I can't bear to lose another girl full stop like I did Laura. I just hope that things come around for me eventually and I can finally achieve some sort of contentment because I don't know how long I can go on like this feeling hopeless, lonely, and lost.