"Don't Give Up"

One more reason that I am somewhat rubbish at life. Instead of writing my own blogs, I know simply regurgitate others' words. *Sighs*

I was listening to a new song on Marina and the Diamonds' Myspace when I decided to read her blogs. Minus the stuff about celebrity, this encapsulates a lot of what I've been feeling. Here's what she wrote:

Back from New York.

Feel happy but also sad and like world hates me. Feel like i may rule the world but also fear in reality i am big failure who is rubbish friend/ deluded/ crap at love etc.

Feel greedy and horrible for spending all money in new york.

Feel mean for being mean person in life.

Feel like i do not want to grow up to be twat face celeb. Have been thinking deeply about the notion of fame and celebrity and what it actually means, what i would personally gain from it and how one can get to a point where one doesn't want attention/ recognition for unhealthy reasons eg "Oh Hey i have a gaping, gangrenous hole for a heart and and i want everyone to love me for no reason whatsoever". Cause most Famouses seem pretty fucked up and weird and not very loved in reality because they love themselves too much to form real, stable relationships. The ones that are normal and kind and add something to pop culture are the ones worth the space.

I have always really admired people like Madonna for doing what they want, for being disciplined when the rest of the world cant be bothered and for staying focused on their goals until they achieve them. But it freaks me out when I realise most of these people are now really fucked up or sad and I just wonder what it's all really about..

Dont want to be like the unhealthy celebs. All those people who gossip and care about material shit, their $11k bags, whats in fashion, who is having sex with who etc. I am as prone as anyone to the media/ celebrity but its so diseased and wrong and damaging and not what any of us should be wasting our time on. Where are all the old fashioned people in the world. Why do i never meet them. Feel like i dont want to go to any parties and that everyone in the world is crazy amazing fun party animal except for me and that i am just a boring girl and ''all i wanna do is take ugly dogs for a walks".*

*To get me through this difficult time in life, i am playing Hassle's 'Love me to pieces' for 5 hrs now.


PS. I am not in any way considering myself a 'celeb 'in this post.

PPS. Everything in this post is aimed at myself.

Well, you've got that last bit wrong, Marina. It's aimed at me, too. Everything from feeling deluded and rubbish at love to feeling hopelessly old-fashioned and stodgy for not partying to resorting to listening to Erik Hassle on repeat to get through things resonates strongly with me.

The other songs that get me through things lately? Those of Morrissey and of Marina herself, especially "Obssessions".

Words from a Hotel Parking Lot

I did not write this. I found it in the parking lot of a Best Western in Countryside, IL. That weekend was one of the worst weekends of my life. This is one of the worst nights in my life. Tonight, I think I've just had a panic attack. In order to try and calm myself down, I'm transcribing these words and uploading them to the world. I have preserved the orginal handwritten capitalization and punctuation and attempted to transcribe what appears as exactly as possible. I hope that whoever wrote this is well right now.

Every Day Its getting HaRDer to Decifer, the Real Between the Facts and Fixing of these liars I am just another coward lying on the Floor, Can you Hear Me Crying Now OR AM I A Whore looking For the Attention that I Seek IS there anybody listening .Believing in Anything seems So Fake, WISh I could just Clear my head and Make My ESCape. Cant take too Much more before I've gone insane. Watching all of the Repeated Memories Archived in my Brain . IS this Really life or Just a Dream?